God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize