How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
