I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize