Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
