we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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