When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
