Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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