I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
