I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
