The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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