pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
