We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
