how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
