I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am spending my child support on dildos
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
