It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
