Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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