i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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