he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's never too late to be topless.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
