btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
