You can't special order awesome
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
