I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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