I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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