This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
