you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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