i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize