Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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