So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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