If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
