Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
