bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
