She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just invented taco cereal.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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