i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
