She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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