Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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