It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
