My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
