he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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