bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
