Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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