Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
