dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
