I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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