i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's the barista slut.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
