You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
