i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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