remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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