some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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