I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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