i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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