hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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