Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
