he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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