I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
where am i from again
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
