Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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