This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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