Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
