the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
