you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
and you fell through a lawn chair
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
