i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
